Before You Approach Her, Christian Brother…

Are you a guy in need of Christian dating advice? I can’t wait until I share these tips with my sons one day. That will be awhile, so I’m thrilled to share these with you. These tips can prevent a lot of problems, but first a little background.

I didn’t start dating until I was 31 years old. The reason was because I was wrecked by a question my pastor asked me when I was in college. You can find that question here.

After I was ready to answer that question with a resounding “Yes!” I finally found myself interested in someone who I worked with very closely. She was in her mid-twenties, a great youth leader, dependable, likeable, and respected by those above, besides, and under her.

Yes, she was cute too. But let’s focus!

But now that I was interested in someone, what to do?

Make a head on approach? Carpe diem!

Pray about it until God gives me a clear, unambiguous sign from heaven that she was “the one”?

Play Bible roulette and hope my finger landed on “Anna,” the one place her name occurs in the entire Bible? (That would be quite the sign!)

Feel free to try any of the above, but there are better options.

Here’s what I did and I have no regrets:

4. Share with trustworthy unbiased confidants.

I spoke to my best friend, senior pastor, and pastor about it. This stems from advice I received from my senior pastor once. He said, “You can have a list of what you are looking for in a partner, even non-negotiables. But once you like someone, that list goes out the window!” So it was important I had sober judgment near me.

Did my trusted advisors think I was crazy?

Did they sense any warning signs or red flags?

Did they get the feeling she or I was not ready?

In regards to a previous interest, these confidants were not for this particular person. They didn’t even meet her, but something didn’t feel right.

I wish I could tell you I was beyond grateful and trusted their judgment.

I did not. And I got burned.

That one hurt.

Lesson learned.

Thankfully, they all gave a thumbs up to my current interest and we’re off!

Or, I was off to…

3. Get to know her…in group settings.

See, another pastor friend gave this great advice on relationships. He said, “If you’re not careful, you’re going to fall in love with the girl in your head and not the girl in real life. In marriage, the girl in your head doesn’t exist. Only the real one does.”

So I watched her. When we hung out in groups, I was intentional to ask her some questions about her. It was more organic than overwhelming. We all “knew” she was great, but I really needed to know now.

Group hangouts help keep things casual. You can get to know a person a lot when you hang out in different settings and with different people.

But group settings won’t always be enough.

2. Get to know her…in smaller settings.

Is it possible to hang out with her and just one or two other people? This helps. Put time together with proximity (and a few intentional conversations) and you’ll get a good idea if the person in your head is the person in front of you or not.

Watch how she interacts with others.

Hear what she talks about.

Observe what really matters to her.

How does she view people, issues, and her faith?

Time, proximity, and a few intentional questions will speak volumes about her.

This reminds me of a time I was interested in someone previously (and previous to the person I mentioned above). I really enjoyed speaking with this person and loved her convictions even when they didn’t always line up with mine (red flag, perhaps?). But after some time in smaller settings, it became clear we were oil and water. I could not yoke myself with certain parts of her lifestyle. Phew. Dodged a bullet that time!

But the hardest part was yet to come.

1. Have a heart to heart with God.

In my years of following Christ, I’ve come to realize it’s more about process than destination. It’s more about who I am becoming over receiving answers to my prayers. I don’t know if this next story is my imagination or really was a conversation with God. I’ll let you decide. All I can say is, it was real to me.

Before I was going to approach Anna and share my interest in her, I felt God ask me a question. I felt Him ask, “Sunny, if you had two choices, which would you choose? One, you can marry anyone in the world you want to marry. Or two, I will show you who to marry when you are 40.”

I was 30 years old at the time. This question also wrecked me.

I wish I can say I was holy about it and spiritually mature.

Not the case.

I struggled for days, thinking it wasn’t fair. I gave up my twenties and now finally felt ready for a relationship. I did my due diligence to receive accountability and prayer support. I knew who I was interested in and now this?

Sigh.

After a few days, I told God I still trusted Him. I told Him I would wait until 40 and left it at that.

A funny thing happened immediately.

All of a sudden, I felt the favor of God. His peace, His love, His presence, and His blessing.

It was like I passed a test.

I got the green light and, as they say, the rest is history!

(Err…kind of…stay tuned for more of the story.)

Enjoy Your Season

For now, if you’re interested in a lovely lady, that is wonderful! Enjoy this part of the process. Include trustworthy others in the journey, get to know the real her, and make sure you and God talk a lot about it too.

He is a good Father.

He has great plans for you.

Allow Him to lead you through His Word and wise counsel.

If you’re interested in how to best prepare yourself even before you’re interested in someone, check out Part 1 on this Christian Relationship Advice series.